This is a lot. He's not sure he's ready for all this, and he stays quiet a moment.
Is this something he wants? He wants to be less selfish, wants to be more aware when he's hurting people that could have been his allies. Doesn't want to ...end worlds. Probably.
But two deaths that didn't stick seems... so small. It's hard to feel something, not that he's ever been an expert at feeling things about death.
"I get that it doesn't feel significant to you," he says quietly. "I'm not doing this to torture you. But the thing is... I'm trying to help you figure out how to get on when it's not just you. I get that it's new for you. I guess want I want, for now, is to understand why it might upset them, or others. You don't have to feel it yourself."
As abhorrent as that seems, it's a big step, and Luke knows it. But Bill does have to learn to get along. In a society.
"HONESTLY? WAIT SIX MONTHS, ODDS ARE GOOD THEY'LL BOTH DISAPPEAR AND WE WON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. BUT THE ANSWER YOU WANT IS PROBABLY TO APOLOGIZE TO THEM!"
"That's a good start," Luke says, leveling a look at him. "And I think you should. But I was thinking more... what should we do that would help you not to do this type of thing in the future? I know Hange is upset, too, on account of Beetlejuice being... influenced negatively. So how are we going to make sure this doesn't happen again?"
And before Bill can say it, "and by 'this' I do not mean, specifically, people getting killed by scythes wielded by people on roller skates."
It's clear Bill thinks this is a fatal flaw that's going to get someone killed. He snickers when Luke adds on the addendum to keep Bill from weaseling around the wording.
"I DON'T KNOW! I'D TELL YOU IF I DID. I THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS OF WHAT I THINK'S ALRIGHT AND WHAT'S ACTUALLY ALRIGHT!"
He frowns, and looks genuinely solemn for the first time in the conversation.
"IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE A LOT OF SENSE TO ME! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NATURAL, BUT IT NEVER FEELS NATURAL! I THINK SOME PEOPLE GET A CONSCIENCE AND I JUST GOT SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD! MUSICAL TALENT! A GOOD COMPLEXION, MAYBE! I DON'T KNOW."
Bill's eye bends up, but it's a pretty weak joke. His hand rubs at the back of his point, self-conscious.
"I CAN LEARN IT, AND I WANT TO! I WANT TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS WORKS. BUT I HAVE TO DO IT THE SLOW WAY, AND I THINK I'M GOING TO KEEP MAKING MISTAKES. WE JUST GOTTA HOPE THEY GET SMALLER."
Luke reaches out to grasp Bill's shoulder area, a now-familiar gesture.
"I know," he says kindly. "I don't expect either of us to be perfect, Bill. I'm not saying you can't make mistakes. I'm saying we need to figure out ways to make sure you're prepared to make fewer. And I don't really think punishing you for this type of thing works, or makes sense. But I do think we need to come up with something specific to at least make the next thing less serious."
He doesn't know what it's like, and he knows that. He knows he can't imagine having the experience Bill does, plus the lack of guidance system Luke seems to have indeed been born with. But in a sense, it doesn't change the fact that if Bill's going to get through this, he needs to build one.
"Maybe it's something like, for now, figuring out what situations call for you to get advice before acting on."
Luke's brow furrows. This... is not what he'd expected.
"You'd... want to do that?" he says. He doesn't exactly want to become a crutch, but at the same time, voluntarily putting himself into Luke's care does seem to suggest he's serious.
"I don't know," Luke says. "There needs to be a way for you to stay out of trouble without me monitoring you. I don't want you to think I don't trust you. And I want you to be free to live your life--I mean, as much as anyone can, here."
He chews his lip for a moment.
"What if... okay. What if, for now, any time you're about to do something, you ask yourself what I'd do or say if I were there. Or someone you think would do the right thing. Doesn't have to be me."
In fact, he's a little uneasy with himself as a model, considering his relationship to his own sense of self right now. But if Bill's lacking an internal monitor, maybe they can... fake one?
"It's not really supposed to be easy," Luke says, but he hopes he knows what Bill means. "I don't know, Bill. I mean, I know this isn't on the level of, you know. Opening a portal or whatever. But I am responsible for you. And me and the other people on the Barge need to know that you're not going to cause harm. Hange needs to know you're not going to interfere with her inmate. People need to believe I'm still capable of being your warden."
"Thanks," he says. "I mean, that's very nice--but I hope you can see why it might not count for a lot with some of the people here. I just... I know it's not your default, but I need you to understand that this is serious, at least inasmuch as it affects our ability to keep working together."
"LISTEN, I TOLD THE ADMIRAL I WANTED YOU BACK AND WAS GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU, AND HE'S THE ONE MAKING THE CALLS. THEY CAN BE MEAN, BUT THEY CAN'T ACTUALLY STOP YOU!"
Bill thinks. Some people tend to get down if they're not liked, though.
"IF IT'S ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ARE TREATING YOU, THOUGH, I CAN WORK WITH THAT!"
“Bill, no,” he says, shaking his head. “It has nothing to do with that. It has to do with your journey. With how people treat you. It’s not just me and the Admiral deciding what happens to you. In a very real way, it’s about how you operate within the Barge as a whole. The end goal isn’t that you settle down by yourself, or with me, or the Admiral. That’s not the point of any of this.”
"It's not really about what people think," Luke says, but he pauses, unsure how to put this. He knows what he wants, but he's not really clear on how to put it into words.
"It's... hard to explain," he admits. "But I think part of the issue here is that you've spent your whole life outside. Outside society or community. I don't mean that you need everyone to like you, but... but your place within a group matters now. So whether or not you care what they think, you need to know that it does affect you. So if you, for instance, do something that harms the group, or endangers another inmate's recovery, that matters. And if you don't care about that, then you're not going to be seen as a member of that community that can be trusted."
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neverjoinyou) wrote2026-04-05 02:51 pm![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
lastvoyages IC Inbox
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Is this something he wants? He wants to be less selfish, wants to be more aware when he's hurting people that could have been his allies. Doesn't want to ...end worlds. Probably.
But two deaths that didn't stick seems... so small. It's hard to feel something, not that he's ever been an expert at feeling things about death.
"YEAH. IT MATTERS TO THEM. OKAY."
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"I get that it doesn't feel significant to you," he says quietly. "I'm not doing this to torture you. But the thing is... I'm trying to help you figure out how to get on when it's not just you. I get that it's new for you. I guess want I want, for now, is to understand why it might upset them, or others. You don't have to feel it yourself."
As abhorrent as that seems, it's a big step, and Luke knows it. But Bill does have to learn to get along. In a society.
"So what do you think we should do?"
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And before Bill can say it, "and by 'this' I do not mean, specifically, people getting killed by scythes wielded by people on roller skates."
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It's clear Bill thinks this is a fatal flaw that's going to get someone killed. He snickers when Luke adds on the addendum to keep Bill from weaseling around the wording.
"I DON'T KNOW! I'D TELL YOU IF I DID. I THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS OF WHAT I THINK'S ALRIGHT AND WHAT'S ACTUALLY ALRIGHT!"
He frowns, and looks genuinely solemn for the first time in the conversation.
"IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE A LOT OF SENSE TO ME! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NATURAL, BUT IT NEVER FEELS NATURAL! I THINK SOME PEOPLE GET A CONSCIENCE AND I JUST GOT SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD! MUSICAL TALENT! A GOOD COMPLEXION, MAYBE! I DON'T KNOW."
Bill's eye bends up, but it's a pretty weak joke. His hand rubs at the back of his point, self-conscious.
"I CAN LEARN IT, AND I WANT TO! I WANT TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS WORKS. BUT I HAVE TO DO IT THE SLOW WAY, AND I THINK I'M GOING TO KEEP MAKING MISTAKES. WE JUST GOTTA HOPE THEY GET SMALLER."
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"I know," he says kindly. "I don't expect either of us to be perfect, Bill. I'm not saying you can't make mistakes. I'm saying we need to figure out ways to make sure you're prepared to make fewer. And I don't really think punishing you for this type of thing works, or makes sense. But I do think we need to come up with something specific to at least make the next thing less serious."
He doesn't know what it's like, and he knows that. He knows he can't imagine having the experience Bill does, plus the lack of guidance system Luke seems to have indeed been born with. But in a sense, it doesn't change the fact that if Bill's going to get through this, he needs to build one.
"Maybe it's something like, for now, figuring out what situations call for you to get advice before acting on."
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Bill brightens.
"MAYBE WE CAN STICK TOGETHER AGAIN! WITH EVENINGS OFF SO I CAN GO PAY ATTENTION TO SIXER."
This is only partially a euphemism, some of it will literally be just making sure he has enough attention so he doesn't get sad and weird.
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"You'd... want to do that?" he says. He doesn't exactly want to become a crutch, but at the same time, voluntarily putting himself into Luke's care does seem to suggest he's serious.
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BECAUSE I'M HALF-WAY SERIOUS, KID, BUT IT'S GONNA MAKE IT A LOT HARDER FOR YOU TO GET OUT THERE AS SOMEBODY OTHER THAN MY WARDEN."
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He chews his lip for a moment.
"What if... okay. What if, for now, any time you're about to do something, you ask yourself what I'd do or say if I were there. Or someone you think would do the right thing. Doesn't have to be me."
In fact, he's a little uneasy with himself as a model, considering his relationship to his own sense of self right now. But if Bill's lacking an internal monitor, maybe they can... fake one?
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Probably more practical.
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"Thanks," he says. "I mean, that's very nice--but I hope you can see why it might not count for a lot with some of the people here. I just... I know it's not your default, but I need you to understand that this is serious, at least inasmuch as it affects our ability to keep working together."
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Bill goes to put hands on both of Luke shoulders.
"LISTEN, I TOLD THE ADMIRAL I WANTED YOU BACK AND WAS GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU, AND HE'S THE ONE MAKING THE CALLS. THEY CAN BE MEAN, BUT THEY CAN'T ACTUALLY STOP YOU!"
Bill thinks. Some people tend to get down if they're not liked, though.
"IF IT'S ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ARE TREATING YOU, THOUGH, I CAN WORK WITH THAT!"
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“Bill, no,” he says, shaking his head. “It has nothing to do with that. It has to do with your journey. With how people treat you. It’s not just me and the Admiral deciding what happens to you. In a very real way, it’s about how you operate within the Barge as a whole. The end goal isn’t that you settle down by yourself, or with me, or the Admiral. That’s not the point of any of this.”
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"It's... hard to explain," he admits. "But I think part of the issue here is that you've spent your whole life outside. Outside society or community. I don't mean that you need everyone to like you, but... but your place within a group matters now. So whether or not you care what they think, you need to know that it does affect you. So if you, for instance, do something that harms the group, or endangers another inmate's recovery, that matters. And if you don't care about that, then you're not going to be seen as a member of that community that can be trusted."
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"THINK THAT ONE MIGHT BE A LOST CAUSE, BUDDY."
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"Because of you?" he prods. "Or them?"
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Sounds bad.
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