neverjoinyou | lastvoyages IC Inbox

I am positive she's not scared of you, Luke.

No, I mean. Argh. That's not what I meant.

I mean that I hadn't meant to threaten.

I know you didn't.

It was a flood, you know? And I possessed her first. It was Barge bullshit; it wasn't like she did it on her own to fuck with me.

Still. I can see how she'd interpret it that way, and I am sorry for it.

And I understand, but I still am not sure I'm ready to not offer help where I think I can potentially be useful.

Would you take it personally if I said I probably wouldn't ever accept it for something like that?

[There is a pause. When she puts it that way, he puts himself into her place. And maybe, just maybe, he can start to understand.]

No. I wouldn't. I'd die first.

[That's not at all the answer she'd been expecting, and the surprise is clear in her voice.]

Really? You would before you'd take somebody up on that offer, you mean?

Not because I don't like help.

No, I meant... I'd die before I did anything that my inmate, whoever they might be, might take as a betrayal.

I don't think she totally would. Not as bad as some people might. She'd definitely lose respect for me, though. And even besides that, it-- it's personal. If she did take me over and do something I didn't want, it'd be personal. When we fight, it's personal. If she kills me again, it'll be personal. I don't want people from outside who don't know all the, like, context to get involved in that, no matter how much they care about me.

[Thoughtfully.]

Okay. That's fair. So just to be clear--is offering to help "getting involved"?

I don't--

I don't know. Maybe wait until I ask for it, I guess.

Okay... I mean that sounds fair, and I both think that makes sense but I guess only now that I know you know you can ask for it. I am sorry that I stepped in something that wasn't my place--but I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to know.

I think you're thinking of a logical thing instead of an emotional thing. And I know I can ask for help, I'm just not going to.

Part of it's to protect you too, you know.

Okay, okay. I just... I'm sorry if I made you think I thought you can't take care of yourself. I know you can. I just hated the idea of someone taking over your body and making you do anything you didn't want. Or, gods forbid, hurt other people.

I could've fought back if I wanted. I think it would've been pretty easy to get control back.

Okay. You're right. I'm sorry again.

Maybe I am lacking in things to take care of, around here.

You don't have to keep apologizing; I'm not really mad or anything.

Right. Just, working through it in my head. Thanks for checking in. I appreciate it.

How are you doing, otherwise?

Um-- I'm normal, I guess; I'm mostly good. Infirmary's been a little busier than usual, but we're handling it.

You?

Do you think there's any pattern? I mean, to the violence around here.

I'm fine. Honestly, I think I need an inmate who actually needs me.

I mean-- it ain't like a flood, Luke. Most of it's just done by people.

You don't think it's a lot, though? I mean, in general?

Yeah, but not in a pattern kind of way. I don't think anybody's being mind-controlled into it or anything like that. It's because the Admiral keeps bringing pissed-off people here against their will.

No, I get that. I do. And I know some amount is... unavoidable.

I just can't help but feel there must be something more we, someone, can do.

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