neverjoinyou | lastvoyages IC Inbox

"Maybe you can't," Luke says reasonably. "Not with him, I mean. I don't know. But you'll have to figure out if that's what you want--to start over fresh. Or, you'll have to figure out how to move past that part of it, if that's what you want to do. I can't imagine it's easy to do, but I'm guessing at least some part of you has forgiven him. The thing is..." He takes a deep breath. "I don't know that the future holds for you. Or him. I'm not going to judge what's best for you. I do know that there's no rule that says he either has to be in your future, or can't be."

Bill groans as Luke brings up the future and sets his eye in his hands.

"I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN FOR MY FUTURE WITHOUT FORD IN IT. IT'S STUPID "

He knows it's pretty damning before it comes out, but he can't stop the words at this point -

"I'D TRADE NEVER MEETING HIM FOR NOT BEING KILLED. I'D THROW THE WHOLE THING OUT. I WANT TO THROW THE WHOLE THING OUT."

Bill looks up to glare at the scrap of pearly metal.

Edited 2019-09-11 17:06 (UTC)

Luke can't help it. He reaches out to put an arm around where Bill's shoulders would be.

"I think that's natural," he says softly. "The thing you have to decide for yourself is, is having Ford around holding you back? Or helping you move forward?"

"I DON'T KNOOOOW. I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW. I ALWAYS KNOW!"

Whiny. Bill seems to find the touch comforting, and slumps more under the weight of his own frustration.

It's tempting to just scoop the pointy guy up onto his lap, but Luke refrains.

"I get it," he says, "and that's frustrating--to be in this weird place with options you didn't have before. But there's no reason you need to know now. Right? It's okay to take some time."

"YEAH..."

But sitting here with the not-knowing is horrible! It's horrible. Why isn't it fixed.

"HOW DO YOU, YOU KNOW, USUALLY MOVE ON FROM STUFF? HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM STAYING STUCK IN THE SAME OLD RUT?"

Luke specifically. He's a pretty forgiving and chill dude.

Luke blinks. He's not sure what to say to that, at all. And he's definitely not sure that what he's about to say is helpful.

"Who says I have?" he says. "I found out the guy who killed my father figure and cut off my hand was my own father. Did I move on from that? Or did I risk everything I was just to prove everyone wrong about him?"

Bill turns towards Luke a little.

"YOU THINK ALL OF THAT WAS, Y'KNOW, GOOD FOR YOU?"

Not rhetorical, serious. Maybe it's only unhealthy if you're wrong about it.

"Good for me?" Luke repeats with not a little astonishment, like that hadn't actually entered into his calculations. "I mean, that... wasn't really the point. Though I guess... in a way, I needed it to be that way, needed to be right. But... no. I don't think it was ever about what was good for me."

"WELL, THAT AIN'T GREAT."

Obviously.

Luke winces.

"Uh, that wasn't helpful, was it?"

"YEAH, BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN WHAT'S HELPFUL!"

A little playful flick on the side of the head.

Luke grins at him with genuine affection.

"Yes, well," he says without disagreeing. "We can deal with that later. Questionable honesty aside, there's probably a better point to make, here. You and I aren't alike, and given the same circumstances... we're going to err, probably, on different sides. So you asked how I move on from stuff. And I do think it's worth saying that I did, I do, change the rules for how I'm supposed to feel about it. I moved on from my aunt and uncle being killed by joining the forces that killed them. I moved on from learning my enemy was my father by working to remind him what side he was on. I didn't let those things define me, even if you could argue that I did what I did in response. Does that make any sense at all?"

Bill grunts, appears to be processing.

"A THIRD OPTION, YA MEAN?"

"Yeah," Luke says, expression clearing as he nods. "Exactly. It's not without risk, of course. As people will happily remind you. But..." He shrugs his free shoulder. "Don't let them write the rules."

Bill looks down at his hands.

"DON'TCHA GET ANGRY?"

That's against the Force Rules but it's always seemed impossible to him; Bill's temper is like a flashbang, it comes up on him before he's even aware it's there.

"Yes," Luke admits quietly, but without hesitation. "Yes, of course. I... I've done things in anger I can't change. I will do things I already regret, out of some mix of fear and anger. The fact I can't control that is part of why I work to do so. The fact that... it's the actions I've taken that were done in anger that are the most destructive I've ever done. It's clear proof to me that if nothing else, my Jedi training was right in that--that it leads to the Dark Side. I don't know how much else I agree with them about what that means, but I do know that fear, and anger, have been the worst ways to decide anything I've ever seen."

"BUT THEY'RE NATURAL, TOO. IF YOU'RE ANGRY, IT'S BECAUSE... YOU GOT A RAW DEAL. YOU'RE NOT BEING TREATED WELL."

Bill kicks his feet, a little too stiffly to just be an idle motion.

"I didn't say it's not natural. Or justified." Luke bites his lip. "At a certain point, it not being fair isn't the point. The point is, what can you do to make it right?" He shrugs. "And so far, making choices based on that feeling hasn't worked out for me."

Bill sighs again.

Bill is quiet for awhile. Every time he does something impulsive because someone got under his skin he fucks up, it's true.

"I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YA DO IT."

Luke laughs softly, mostly at himself. "I didn't always," he points out. "I used to do a lot of impulsive things. Not, you know. World-ending things, usually. But I had to work at it. I had to learn. I had to..." He sighs, trying to explain. "I had to spend a lot of time when I wasn't angry or scared practicing, so that in the moment, it became easier. I still screw it up, sometimes."

He peers down at Bill.

"I don't really see you as the meditation type, but I could teach you. What I know, I mean--not all the Jedi stuff, just some of the exercises for staying calm."

He has no idea if that's anything Bill would ever take him up on, let alone be good at. But it's worth a try.

Bill's expression wrinkles up. That sounds like his attention span will not enjoy it.

"HOW FAST DO THEY WORK? 'CAUSE I GO FROM ZERO TO SIXTY IN A SECOND IF THERE'S KIDS DESTROYING MY PLANS INVOLVED."

"Honestly?" Luke wrinkles his nose. "At first, not very fast. Like I said, it takes practice. And look, it's not perfect. We still have emotions. We still feel. Do you... Do you remember when I faced my father for the last time?" He's sure Bill's watched this. It's the only reason he's bringing it up, but maybe it'll help? "The Emperor threatened my sister. That's what set me off. I couldn't see anything, Bill. I couldn't think about anything but how unfair it was that they would go after her. How guilty I was that I'd given her existence away. How afraid I was that nothing I'd done was going to matter." He swallows. "That's the angriest I can remember being. Ever. And even with the training, even with all I'd been told, it took cutting off my father's arm to remind me. But here's the thing--it did remind me. I stopped. I... don't know if I could have, if I hadn't worked hard at controlling those emotions. So it didn't work instantly. But it still saved me."

Bill's seen it all, and makes frustrated fists as Luke speaks, opening and closing his hands over and over like he's mad at how useless they are.

"YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. YOU'RE GOOD AT EVERYTHING. LOOK, JUST - WHAT IF IT HADN'T WORKED OUT? WHAT IF YOUR FATHER HAD NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT AND LEIA WAS JUST ... IN DANGER FOR NOTHING? WHAT IF YOU GIVE PEOPLE CHANCES AND YOU GET SCREWED, HUH?"

Edited 2019-09-16 03:59 (UTC)

Luke sighs, trying not to get frustrated. "I've never said I was good at everything," he insists. Why is it, he wonders, that everyone thinks he's either traumatized or angelically perfect whenever he simply tells them about his life? He shakes his head.

"That's a risk. Obviously. I understand that. But some things are... too important to play safe. I was prepared to die, that day. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but I am saying it was a possibility I was aware of." He takes a deep breath. "But here's the thing. If I hadn't? I'd be wondering to this day whether my father really was there. If the choice was between dying to find out, and never knowing? I guess I came down on the side of knowing."

lastvoyages IC Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject