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[neverjoinyou]

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[neverjoinyou]

Oh. Luke chews on that for a moment, because... yeah. That's a lot. And a lot for someone like Bill to come to on his own.

"Well, that's good, in a way. What I mean," he adds hurriedly, "is that it's good that you're recognizing things can't stay the same. Before it's too late. It means there's a chance to do something about it. What is it you think is going to blow up?"

[tetractys]

Bill hands him the metal - offers it up.

"THIS DID. THIS WAS THE BIG PLAN THAT GOT ME KILLED, IT WAS A WAY OUT OF THE NIGHTMARE REALM. I THOUGHT IF I WAS SMART ENOUGH AND CAREFUL ENOUGH I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED FOR AS LONG AS I WANTED TO. BUT I WAS WRONG, AND NOW I'M HERE.

I HATE IT HERE."

[neverjoinyou]

"Oh. You mean... what happened to you, there. It was inevitable." Luke takes the metal gently, turning it about in his hands. There's certainly something there, a residual energy he can feel. "That has to be a difficult thing to come to terms with." He pauses. "Especially considering your relationship with Ford." He bites his lip.

"If you had to choose," he says finally, "between staying like you were, and dying, and learning what you have and changing and living... what would you choose?"

[tetractys]

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE AT ALL! I CAN CHANGE, IT'S FINE, I'LL JUST, I DON'T KNOW... I WOULDN'T HAVE AGREED TO COME HERE IF I WASN'T PREPARED TO DO WHATEVER I NEED TO DO TO NOT DIE."

He swings his legs. This is better than death. But it still sucks a lot. There's a wide range of things that are better than death.

[neverjoinyou]

"Are you more worried that Ford won't like you anymore?" he asks. "Or about what it means if he still does? I mean..." He rubs a scrape in the metal with one thumb. "Why did you go? See it, I mean."

[tetractys]

No, Ford's pretty well wrapped around Bill's finger. But.

"IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'D SEEN IT SINCE WE MADE IT. IT JUST LED TO SO MUCH... STUFF, I HAD NO IDEA HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS GOING TO BE. I HAD TO..."

Bill struggles to get words out, here, something he rarely does. He scrubs at his eye, suddenly.

"IN THE REAL WORLD, OR I GUESS BACK IN FORD'S WORLD THAT WASN'T EVER REAL, THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO SHOW I WAS EVEN ALIVE. IT'S JUST A MACHINE THAT SOMEONE TOOK APART, AND A NEAR MISS OF A DISASTER THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED, AND THAT'S ALL. EVERYTHING ELSE I THOUGHT I DID, LIKE THE MOON LANDING, TURNS OUT WOULDA HAPPENED EVEN IF I WAS NEVER THERE AT ALL!"

[neverjoinyou]

This feels like a lot more than Luke is equipped to deal with, but that's pretty much his life, now.

"That's a lot," he admits. "I guess none of us really can predict what impact we'll have. I guess if you'd had your way, none of that would've existed anymore, anyway." He's not sure he's made all that much difference in his own world, himself. Not in the long run. "What do you want to have left behind?"

[tetractys]

"I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE AT ALL!"

Seriously, his goal was to never ever ever ever die. Ever.

[neverjoinyou]

"No, I know," he says, not arguing for now that that's just not in the cards for most people. "But dying isn't the only reason to leave something behind. Is that what's bothering you? The reminder that you died?"

[tetractys]

"YEAH," Bill sighs. It's a really... complicated emotion, but that's at the center of it. "I COULD HAVE STILL BEEN ALIVE IF I'D JUST DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY!"

[neverjoinyou]

Which is kind of the point of his being here, but Luke doesn't think it hurts to have a new perspective on that.

"Yeah," he agrees. "You could be. And yet, here you are. You have a chance a lot of people won't get. And you've already made different choices."

[tetractys]

"THIS WHOLE THING WITH FORD - IT'S JUST CONTINUING THE SAME DUMB THING THAT ENDED ME UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT'S JUST ME TRYING TO WIN AGAIN."

[neverjoinyou]

"What are you saying?" says Luke, frowning a little because he's moved past the idea that Bill's just using Ford. "Are you saying you don't really feel anything for him?"

[tetractys]

"NO, I LIKE FORD! HE'S GREAT - I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL."

He's very confused.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

[neverjoinyou]

Luke doesn't, either. He doesn't understand what's going on. He wishes he did, but this is hard, and he feels it's important, like this is growth, or something. So he doesn't answer for a long moment, as he tries to parse this out.

Bill saw the means of his own destruction.

He's upset about choices he made that led to his death.

He's not sure what to do about Ford, who still likes him but is, somehow, the same path as before.

"Are you saying," he says slowly, "that dating Ford is just... another version of trying to beat him? That... it's always been about the two of you, and this latest episode is just another loop you two are in together?"

[tetractys]

"YEAH. MAYBE."

It feels ... complicated, and Luke will feel the panicked uncertainty coming off of Bill. Ford is part of an old life, one that's still haunting him.

"I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HIM ALONE. HE'D MOVED ON, AND I COULDN'T STAND IT. BUT NOW I'VE GOTTA MOVE ON, AND WHAT DO I DO WITH HIM?"

[neverjoinyou]

Luke watches Bill with concern. "First of all, it's not just up to you. He has a say in this, too. And second... I don't know if it's entirely a bad thing. You need to figure out what's good for you, of course. If Ford's a link to a past that is keeping you from moving ahead, that's one thing. But if it's that you've both grown and moved past something, then Ford isn't the problem."

[tetractys]

"WHAT IF I WANT TO JUST START OVER? HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT WHEN HE HELPED KILL ME?"

[neverjoinyou]

"Maybe you can't," Luke says reasonably. "Not with him, I mean. I don't know. But you'll have to figure out if that's what you want--to start over fresh. Or, you'll have to figure out how to move past that part of it, if that's what you want to do. I can't imagine it's easy to do, but I'm guessing at least some part of you has forgiven him. The thing is..." He takes a deep breath. "I don't know that the future holds for you. Or him. I'm not going to judge what's best for you. I do know that there's no rule that says he either has to be in your future, or can't be."

[tetractys]

Bill groans as Luke brings up the future and sets his eye in his hands.

"I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN FOR MY FUTURE WITHOUT FORD IN IT. IT'S STUPID "

He knows it's pretty damning before it comes out, but he can't stop the words at this point -

"I'D TRADE NEVER MEETING HIM FOR NOT BEING KILLED. I'D THROW THE WHOLE THING OUT. I WANT TO THROW THE WHOLE THING OUT."

Bill looks up to glare at the scrap of pearly metal.

[neverjoinyou]

Luke can't help it. He reaches out to put an arm around where Bill's shoulders would be.

"I think that's natural," he says softly. "The thing you have to decide for yourself is, is having Ford around holding you back? Or helping you move forward?"

[tetractys]

"I DON'T KNOOOOW. I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW. I ALWAYS KNOW!"

Whiny. Bill seems to find the touch comforting, and slumps more under the weight of his own frustration.

[neverjoinyou]

It's tempting to just scoop the pointy guy up onto his lap, but Luke refrains.

"I get it," he says, "and that's frustrating--to be in this weird place with options you didn't have before. But there's no reason you need to know now. Right? It's okay to take some time."

[tetractys]

"YEAH..."

But sitting here with the not-knowing is horrible! It's horrible. Why isn't it fixed.

"HOW DO YOU, YOU KNOW, USUALLY MOVE ON FROM STUFF? HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM STAYING STUCK IN THE SAME OLD RUT?"

Luke specifically. He's a pretty forgiving and chill dude.

[neverjoinyou]

Luke blinks. He's not sure what to say to that, at all. And he's definitely not sure that what he's about to say is helpful.

"Who says I have?" he says. "I found out the guy who killed my father figure and cut off my hand was my own father. Did I move on from that? Or did I risk everything I was just to prove everyone wrong about him?"