neverjoinyou | lastvoyages IC Inbox

"YEAH," Bill sighs. It's a really... complicated emotion, but that's at the center of it. "I COULD HAVE STILL BEEN ALIVE IF I'D JUST DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY!"

Which is kind of the point of his being here, but Luke doesn't think it hurts to have a new perspective on that.

"Yeah," he agrees. "You could be. And yet, here you are. You have a chance a lot of people won't get. And you've already made different choices."

"THIS WHOLE THING WITH FORD - IT'S JUST CONTINUING THE SAME DUMB THING THAT ENDED ME UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT'S JUST ME TRYING TO WIN AGAIN."

"What are you saying?" says Luke, frowning a little because he's moved past the idea that Bill's just using Ford. "Are you saying you don't really feel anything for him?"

"NO, I LIKE FORD! HE'S GREAT - I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL."

He's very confused.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

Luke doesn't, either. He doesn't understand what's going on. He wishes he did, but this is hard, and he feels it's important, like this is growth, or something. So he doesn't answer for a long moment, as he tries to parse this out.

Bill saw the means of his own destruction.

He's upset about choices he made that led to his death.

He's not sure what to do about Ford, who still likes him but is, somehow, the same path as before.

"Are you saying," he says slowly, "that dating Ford is just... another version of trying to beat him? That... it's always been about the two of you, and this latest episode is just another loop you two are in together?"

"YEAH. MAYBE."

It feels ... complicated, and Luke will feel the panicked uncertainty coming off of Bill. Ford is part of an old life, one that's still haunting him.

"I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HIM ALONE. HE'D MOVED ON, AND I COULDN'T STAND IT. BUT NOW I'VE GOTTA MOVE ON, AND WHAT DO I DO WITH HIM?"

Luke watches Bill with concern. "First of all, it's not just up to you. He has a say in this, too. And second... I don't know if it's entirely a bad thing. You need to figure out what's good for you, of course. If Ford's a link to a past that is keeping you from moving ahead, that's one thing. But if it's that you've both grown and moved past something, then Ford isn't the problem."

"WHAT IF I WANT TO JUST START OVER? HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT WHEN HE HELPED KILL ME?"

"Maybe you can't," Luke says reasonably. "Not with him, I mean. I don't know. But you'll have to figure out if that's what you want--to start over fresh. Or, you'll have to figure out how to move past that part of it, if that's what you want to do. I can't imagine it's easy to do, but I'm guessing at least some part of you has forgiven him. The thing is..." He takes a deep breath. "I don't know that the future holds for you. Or him. I'm not going to judge what's best for you. I do know that there's no rule that says he either has to be in your future, or can't be."

Bill groans as Luke brings up the future and sets his eye in his hands.

"I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN FOR MY FUTURE WITHOUT FORD IN IT. IT'S STUPID "

He knows it's pretty damning before it comes out, but he can't stop the words at this point -

"I'D TRADE NEVER MEETING HIM FOR NOT BEING KILLED. I'D THROW THE WHOLE THING OUT. I WANT TO THROW THE WHOLE THING OUT."

Bill looks up to glare at the scrap of pearly metal.

Edited 2019-09-11 17:06 (UTC)

Luke can't help it. He reaches out to put an arm around where Bill's shoulders would be.

"I think that's natural," he says softly. "The thing you have to decide for yourself is, is having Ford around holding you back? Or helping you move forward?"

"I DON'T KNOOOOW. I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW. I ALWAYS KNOW!"

Whiny. Bill seems to find the touch comforting, and slumps more under the weight of his own frustration.

It's tempting to just scoop the pointy guy up onto his lap, but Luke refrains.

"I get it," he says, "and that's frustrating--to be in this weird place with options you didn't have before. But there's no reason you need to know now. Right? It's okay to take some time."

"YEAH..."

But sitting here with the not-knowing is horrible! It's horrible. Why isn't it fixed.

"HOW DO YOU, YOU KNOW, USUALLY MOVE ON FROM STUFF? HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM STAYING STUCK IN THE SAME OLD RUT?"

Luke specifically. He's a pretty forgiving and chill dude.

Luke blinks. He's not sure what to say to that, at all. And he's definitely not sure that what he's about to say is helpful.

"Who says I have?" he says. "I found out the guy who killed my father figure and cut off my hand was my own father. Did I move on from that? Or did I risk everything I was just to prove everyone wrong about him?"

Bill turns towards Luke a little.

"YOU THINK ALL OF THAT WAS, Y'KNOW, GOOD FOR YOU?"

Not rhetorical, serious. Maybe it's only unhealthy if you're wrong about it.

"Good for me?" Luke repeats with not a little astonishment, like that hadn't actually entered into his calculations. "I mean, that... wasn't really the point. Though I guess... in a way, I needed it to be that way, needed to be right. But... no. I don't think it was ever about what was good for me."

"WELL, THAT AIN'T GREAT."

Obviously.

Luke winces.

"Uh, that wasn't helpful, was it?"

"YEAH, BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN WHAT'S HELPFUL!"

A little playful flick on the side of the head.

Luke grins at him with genuine affection.

"Yes, well," he says without disagreeing. "We can deal with that later. Questionable honesty aside, there's probably a better point to make, here. You and I aren't alike, and given the same circumstances... we're going to err, probably, on different sides. So you asked how I move on from stuff. And I do think it's worth saying that I did, I do, change the rules for how I'm supposed to feel about it. I moved on from my aunt and uncle being killed by joining the forces that killed them. I moved on from learning my enemy was my father by working to remind him what side he was on. I didn't let those things define me, even if you could argue that I did what I did in response. Does that make any sense at all?"

Bill grunts, appears to be processing.

"A THIRD OPTION, YA MEAN?"

"Yeah," Luke says, expression clearing as he nods. "Exactly. It's not without risk, of course. As people will happily remind you. But..." He shrugs his free shoulder. "Don't let them write the rules."

Bill looks down at his hands.

"DON'TCHA GET ANGRY?"

That's against the Force Rules but it's always seemed impossible to him; Bill's temper is like a flashbang, it comes up on him before he's even aware it's there.

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