neverjoinyou | lastvoyages IC Inbox

[She doesn't really want to do this, but the alternative makes her feel a little sick to her stomach, so not long after her conversation with Han Rey reaches for her communicator and gets ready to do the whole thing over again.

She expects she might lose Luke, now. That he won't be able to forgive her, to ever see her as anything other than a woman who was fine with brutality for the sake of revenge, but all she can do is tell her side and hope.

She's never been that good at hope.]

Before you hear it from anyone else, or before you start believing things that aren't true, I want you to hear this from me. I attacked Bull. I did it when he wasn't looking and he had no idea it was coming, and I only hit him as many times as it took to get him to stay down. After he did, I told him if he ever went after Han again, I wouldn't stop. That was a lie. I didn't kill him and I didn't want him dead. I'm not sorry he is now after everything he's done to more than just Han, but I didn't kill him. I wanted to. The dark side made me want to, but I didn't. I walked away, just like I did with Kylo Ren. I'm sorry I disappointed you because I know you must be unhappy with me, but I'm not sorry I did it.

[Oh, Rey. For a long moment, for actually many minutes together, Luke just sits, reading it over and over. Eventually, he leans back, eyes closing, to try to work his way through all of his emotions before sending a reply.

There are a lot of them.

Disappointment, yes. Fear--for Rey, for the future. Self-doubt, that all he touches seems to end in revenge. Anger, yes, at the universe for making revenge so very, very attractive so very, very often. A little pride, that Rey had taken the Qunari down, and then shame at that pride.

Gratitude, that Rey had stopped. Confusion, that Bull had died anyway.

Helplessness to know what to do next. All he can do, he thinks, is reply honestly, and from a place of as much calm as he can muster.]

Rey. I'm not good at writing things down, so I hope you'll understand what I'm trying to say.

First of all, thank you for telling me. I know that took a lot of courage, knowing what I'm sure you think I must be thinking. I will not lie to you. I am disappointed, because I've seen enough to think violence and revenge are seldom the answer. I'm unhappy that you're not sorry, because every act of violence feeds on the next, and I can't see the future or where this goes. Not now, anyway.

But I'm not going to judge you for giving in to something I've struggled with, too. And I'm not going to judge you when I've forgiven my father, and Ben, and even, to some extent, Bull. You acted to protect what is precious to you. I don't agree with the outcome but it's not because I don't understand. Han is precious to me too. His death hurt and angered me, too.

Can you understand that, at least? That I understand, even if I don't think it was right?

[She expected this to be terrible. That he would consider her not worth the risk, not worth the pain of watching her be not what he wanted her to be, and that this one act would have him washing his hands of her entirely. That he might see a reason to turn his back on her.

It has nothing to do with what she thinks of Luke as a person and everything to do with what she knows Jedi are supposed to be. They're supposed to control these impulses, supposed to not feel things so strongly, but that's all she's done her entire life. Her emotions are such a integral part of her that she worries sometimes she just can't be a Jedi. Not if it means giving up who she is.

But he doesn't. He just wants her to understand the same way she had wanted him to and she can do that, she can take the time to get there if it's difficult but thankfully, under these circumstances, it's not. Everything he says back is fair, it all makes sense.

There's no escaping the sting that comes with being compared to Kylo Ren and Darth Vader, though. It's absurd to her to be compared to someone her inmate is terrified of when there had been a part of her that was hitting the Bull just a little harder for Alfie's sake. It's honestly something she may never forget, never be okay with, that Luke thinks of her like that, but what can she do? She knows her heart. She knows she can stop, that she will never be like those men.

If Luke can't see that, that isn't her failing.]

I understand. I'm not good at explaining things either, but I understand what you mean. Thank you.

[He doesn't think he's comparing them. Or if he is, it's an extremity to show that he can't possibly judge someone like her when he hasn't judged people guilty of a million times worse. But maybe that's a nuance, and anyway, it's one he's unaware of at the moment.]

When you're ready, when you want to talk... I'll be here. Or wherever you want.

I trust you, Rey.

[He doesn't trust that something like this won't happen again. But he does now trust her to talk to him. And he's always trusted that she was a good person.

Even if, right now, it's a lot to work through.]

I need some time. A day or two.

[To sort through what she feels, but honestly it's mostly just to heal. She isn't in much pain but she doesn't want to be seen with a giant bruise on her face that will remind everyone what she's done.

Mostly, she doesn't want anyone to look at her and worry about her when someone else was brutally murdered.]

Please be safe. We must be getting close to whatever is coming.

Don't worry about me. I know Han's a special case, but if anything happens to me, I don't want ANYONE doing anything.

Besides. Nothing will happen to me.

[Honestly the last thing Luke needs is to think Rey would avenge him. Then again, he's not sure he rates that in her books.]

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