neverjoinyou | lastvoyages IC Inbox

Bill goes straight from Ford's room, out the door of that creepy old place like a bat out of hell, and heads for wherever Luke's most likely to be at this time of day.

The further he gets from the actual portal the less strong the feeling is. Maybe if it takes long enough to find him he can just ignore this completely. That'd be cool.

Luke can feel Bill moving around, can feel his agitation, despite (or maybe because of) the fact he's meditating on the Deck. Instead of moving, he lets Bill come to him, because the feeling keeps getting closer and it'd be stupid to be a moving target if Bill needs him.

And he's pretty sure... Bill needs him.

He opens his eyes as Bill comes into view, but remains sitting cross-legged on top of the railing. Somehow.

Sure, it's the Force, it's always the Force. Like, that can't be comfortable, but it's whatever. The Force. Bill feels relieved to catch up to him and goes to perch on the railing next to him.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

How to even explain this stuff. He has no idea.

It's super uncomfortable. He thinks sometimes that's the point, and makes up uncomfortable shit for himself to do, because if it's training it can't be, like. Fun. So he shifts so he's just got one knee drawn up and the other leg dangling.

"About what?" he asks, trying to sift through the myriad things Bill might have cause to regret. The important point is the ability to do so.

How far back should he go to give context for this?

"Y'KNOW FORD GRADUATED, RIGHT?"

Oh wait, that sounds like he's jealous.

"GOOD FOR HIM, NOW HE'S ALIVE, GREAT. BUT HE GOT HIS HOUSE BACK, AND HIS OLD LAB WE USED TO WORK IN."

Bill puts both hands in his lap and stares at the bit of alloy he's brought out with him.

"I saw that," Luke says quietly, watching Bill watch... a piece of metal. "Are you worried he'll leave?" he asks after a moment. "Or that he'll go back to thinking about you differently?"

"I'M WORRIED THAT HE WON'T. I WENT DOWN THERE AND REALIZED THAT THE WAY ... THE WAY I'D BEEN ACTING, IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE IT ALL BLEW UP ON ME, Y'KNOW? AND AS LONG AS FORD'S HERE, I'M GOING TO WANT TO STAY THE SAME ANYWAY."

He turns the piece over; the machine was disassembled by a professional, but still shows signs of shearing and over-wear in the pearly surface.

Oh. Luke chews on that for a moment, because... yeah. That's a lot. And a lot for someone like Bill to come to on his own.

"Well, that's good, in a way. What I mean," he adds hurriedly, "is that it's good that you're recognizing things can't stay the same. Before it's too late. It means there's a chance to do something about it. What is it you think is going to blow up?"

Bill hands him the metal - offers it up.

"THIS DID. THIS WAS THE BIG PLAN THAT GOT ME KILLED, IT WAS A WAY OUT OF THE NIGHTMARE REALM. I THOUGHT IF I WAS SMART ENOUGH AND CAREFUL ENOUGH I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED FOR AS LONG AS I WANTED TO. BUT I WAS WRONG, AND NOW I'M HERE.

I HATE IT HERE."

"Oh. You mean... what happened to you, there. It was inevitable." Luke takes the metal gently, turning it about in his hands. There's certainly something there, a residual energy he can feel. "That has to be a difficult thing to come to terms with." He pauses. "Especially considering your relationship with Ford." He bites his lip.

"If you had to choose," he says finally, "between staying like you were, and dying, and learning what you have and changing and living... what would you choose?"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE AT ALL! I CAN CHANGE, IT'S FINE, I'LL JUST, I DON'T KNOW... I WOULDN'T HAVE AGREED TO COME HERE IF I WASN'T PREPARED TO DO WHATEVER I NEED TO DO TO NOT DIE."

He swings his legs. This is better than death. But it still sucks a lot. There's a wide range of things that are better than death.

"Are you more worried that Ford won't like you anymore?" he asks. "Or about what it means if he still does? I mean..." He rubs a scrape in the metal with one thumb. "Why did you go? See it, I mean."

No, Ford's pretty well wrapped around Bill's finger. But.

"IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'D SEEN IT SINCE WE MADE IT. IT JUST LED TO SO MUCH... STUFF, I HAD NO IDEA HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS GOING TO BE. I HAD TO..."

Bill struggles to get words out, here, something he rarely does. He scrubs at his eye, suddenly.

"IN THE REAL WORLD, OR I GUESS BACK IN FORD'S WORLD THAT WASN'T EVER REAL, THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO SHOW I WAS EVEN ALIVE. IT'S JUST A MACHINE THAT SOMEONE TOOK APART, AND A NEAR MISS OF A DISASTER THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED, AND THAT'S ALL. EVERYTHING ELSE I THOUGHT I DID, LIKE THE MOON LANDING, TURNS OUT WOULDA HAPPENED EVEN IF I WAS NEVER THERE AT ALL!"

Edited 2019-09-09 23:37 (UTC)

This feels like a lot more than Luke is equipped to deal with, but that's pretty much his life, now.

"That's a lot," he admits. "I guess none of us really can predict what impact we'll have. I guess if you'd had your way, none of that would've existed anymore, anyway." He's not sure he's made all that much difference in his own world, himself. Not in the long run. "What do you want to have left behind?"

"I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE AT ALL!"

Seriously, his goal was to never ever ever ever die. Ever.

"No, I know," he says, not arguing for now that that's just not in the cards for most people. "But dying isn't the only reason to leave something behind. Is that what's bothering you? The reminder that you died?"

"YEAH," Bill sighs. It's a really... complicated emotion, but that's at the center of it. "I COULD HAVE STILL BEEN ALIVE IF I'D JUST DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY!"

Which is kind of the point of his being here, but Luke doesn't think it hurts to have a new perspective on that.

"Yeah," he agrees. "You could be. And yet, here you are. You have a chance a lot of people won't get. And you've already made different choices."

"THIS WHOLE THING WITH FORD - IT'S JUST CONTINUING THE SAME DUMB THING THAT ENDED ME UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT'S JUST ME TRYING TO WIN AGAIN."

"What are you saying?" says Luke, frowning a little because he's moved past the idea that Bill's just using Ford. "Are you saying you don't really feel anything for him?"

"NO, I LIKE FORD! HE'S GREAT - I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL."

He's very confused.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

Luke doesn't, either. He doesn't understand what's going on. He wishes he did, but this is hard, and he feels it's important, like this is growth, or something. So he doesn't answer for a long moment, as he tries to parse this out.

Bill saw the means of his own destruction.

He's upset about choices he made that led to his death.

He's not sure what to do about Ford, who still likes him but is, somehow, the same path as before.

"Are you saying," he says slowly, "that dating Ford is just... another version of trying to beat him? That... it's always been about the two of you, and this latest episode is just another loop you two are in together?"

"YEAH. MAYBE."

It feels ... complicated, and Luke will feel the panicked uncertainty coming off of Bill. Ford is part of an old life, one that's still haunting him.

"I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HIM ALONE. HE'D MOVED ON, AND I COULDN'T STAND IT. BUT NOW I'VE GOTTA MOVE ON, AND WHAT DO I DO WITH HIM?"

Luke watches Bill with concern. "First of all, it's not just up to you. He has a say in this, too. And second... I don't know if it's entirely a bad thing. You need to figure out what's good for you, of course. If Ford's a link to a past that is keeping you from moving ahead, that's one thing. But if it's that you've both grown and moved past something, then Ford isn't the problem."

"WHAT IF I WANT TO JUST START OVER? HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT WHEN HE HELPED KILL ME?"

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